Double Trouble: Sir Charles and Stan Van

On TNT last Thursday, Charles Barkley brought out his usual mock neck best to the panel. You'd think he'd dress up for the occasion, considering the extra hour-long show to début the NBA All-Star Reserves.

Kenny, Ernie and the always stylish Chris Webber all wore proper, well-fitting suits. The fabric prints and layering are debatable for some, but at least they weren't wearing a Hanes t-shirt under an oversized, ill-fitting grey jacket. The whole thing just felt a little Miami Vice to me....minus the polyester (god I hope, because when a big man sweats in unnatural fibre...). TUURRRRRIBLE!

I could chastise Barkley for his awful choice of attire more....but frankly, he's been doing it for some time. Ever since the Round Mound of Rebound let his waist get bigger than his head, he's been opting out of the collared shirt and fitted suit get up most of the time. Yes, we all gain weight and Barkley should never be Rajon Rondo thin, but the clothes can give you shape! Sir Charles, you are TNT royalty, why wouldn't you want to fit the part? It takes a little more work or even, just a very diligent well paid stylist and tailor to give you the shape you want. Suits are made to give you  shape, not try and make you look bigger with an oversized jacket. A good fabric won't add shine to reflect light and make you look bigger or cling to you in less than desirable spots. The mock top completely cuts off any length to your neck as well, so you get the snowman effect. You become round mounds on top of bigger mounds, and not a human proper shape. And who wants to resemble Frosty the snowman instead of a real live man? (And no, I'm not talking about Frosty ala Clipse).

I was shocked when Barkley was hosting SNL for the second time this past January and he wore *gasp* a real suit AND (slightly dated) tie! It's a wonder what working with a good stylist will do for you. He looked taller, leaner and younger than he has in years. Though, being in commercials next to modern NBA gods like Dwyane Wade and Dwight Howard wouldn't really enhance your self-image.

The game that TNT was featuring last Thursday was the Boston Celtics visiting the Orlando Magic. Despite Craig Sager's best blatant attempt at shock value in a suit, it  was Van Gundy's attire that disturbed me more....HE WAS MATCHING CHARLES BARKLEY! Perhaps all this time SVG has not  been impersonating Ron Jeremy and his famous pornstache, but Sir Charles instead. The only difference was that Stan Van was wearing a black mock neck polo (but done up tight to the neck) and the same ill-fitting grey jacket. Stan, like Charles, used to wear suit and ties and slightly more appropriate outfits. But he has become the sideline model for mock neck shirts and bulky jackets, and sometimes worse, turtle necks! Turtle necks are a husky man's worse nightmare as it not only cuts of the neck and any length but also gives zero shape, structure of definition. More often than not, the wearer looks like a blob rather than a respected NBA head coach.

Sir Charles and Mr. Van Gundy, I beg of you, review your wardrobes! You're in HD now so NOTHING is hidden. Embrace your shape and learn to make it work for you, not against you and a widescreen.

And as a quick side note, Kurt Warner wore his own version of the black polo and grey jacket during his retirement press conference. But for some reason, it seemed to work. Maybe it's because he's a retiree in Arizona and that outfit seems to scream casual golf course. But mostly, it was because it FITS. Gentlemen, please know your size, not just in your pants but around them as well.

High fives & booty taps,

Megan

Dear LeBron James,

You're not only dominating on the both ends of the hardwood but you're also the current undisputed KING of NBA style. But tonight, your pre-game outfit was a bit of a cause for concern for me. I'm worried your fashion MVP title could be in jeopardy.

Now, let me be clear here, I have no problems with the idea of your outfit, BronBron. A good white shirt and well-fitting jeans MUST be in every man's wardrobe, without a doubt. A vest can work, but when you're 6'8 and pretty much pure muscle (and apparently less than 7% body fat....thanks Altitude pre-game show!), it's tough to pull off properly. This particular black number is too tight and too short....two outfit descriptions best left only to cheerleaders court side. The sizing and style of the vest makes me think you may have raided the suitcase of former Cavalier Damon Jones. Who can forget that red velvet jacket he wore time and time again.

LeBron, do NOT trade clothes with a friend, no matter how much you love him and his threads, if you're not his size! You'll either look like you can't breathe and destroy the item or you'll swim in it and lose your chiseled shape (please don't go near Shaq's god awful wardrobe for the sake of HD tv's everywhere!!). The vest also tends to add bulk if it doesn't fit properly, which you don't need at all, #23. You've had a few issues with vests worn solo over collared shirts, so I think maybe it's time to retire this ensemble attempt.

My other problem with this outfit is the sleeve to glove ratio. Are those sleeves rolled up or 3/4 length? On a man of your amazing size, Mr. James, it looks awkward. You're better off going long sleeve, an elbow length sleeve, a short sleeve, or my personal favourite, no sleeves at all. On most men, the 3/4 length looks like the shirt sleeves are too short or too long and leave a large space that cannot be filled by a watch or a bracelet. The gloves just throw the proportions off and has Michael Jackson-esque vibe. The gloves are lovely but they aren't the King of Pop's statement making bejeweled white wonder. More importantly, flashing the forearm in the middle of winter is very impractical in frosty Denver! Also, if your jacket is off, why are your gloves still on? Pockets, darling, pockets!

My tips to you, my liege are to make sure you fit the WIDEST part of you (shoulders) and  then tailor down. That way you can make everything fit perfectly to your every, uh, bulge. And keep your sleeves rolled down when wearing gloves, there was only one MJ (okay, technically, there's the OTHER #23) and you don't want your skin to change colour, too - from frostbite!

High fives & booty taps,

Megan